Saturday 1 December 2012

Cunt In A Pac A Mac


I threw away my funding application for this year's Edinburgh Fringe when I realised  (again) that I didn't really want to go.
It felt like a terrible shame to waste all that creativity, so here is a condensed version of my submittal.

Title: Cunt In A Pac A Mac

Genre: Interactive street theatre

Plot: It's basically me, Yanny Mac, in a Pac A Mac, behaving a bit cuntishly.
The audience are intrinsically involved, but unaware of the denouement (obviously - it's a denouement) until they realise that they too are cunts in Pac A Macs.

Benefits: It is a piece of theatre that invokes social & cultural observation through the prism of art.

Funding required: £2000 (travel & accommodation) + £10 for a Pac A Mac

Possible problems & resolutions: 
Edinburgh experiences its warmest summer on record, and it doesn't rain for at least a week.
Would require changing title of show to Cunt In A Pair Of Crosshatch Shorts.
Will need £40 for a pair of Crosshatch Shorts.


Friday 13 July 2012

A NOT SO FORGETTABLE WEEKEND


I can remember where it was exactly
a former field, in a state of a home
off the A12,  twixt Southwold and nowhere
at the end of a tree-lined boulevard
full of brand new wheelie bins
and busy, baked and blustery hi-vis volunteers

I remember who was there the first year
a full set of friends and Patti Smith’s rider
a caravan bulging with flowers and vodka
an angsty Trigger from Dibley droned
whilst DJ78 spun shellac
and we danced & danced, our pleasures abundant
and just the tiniest bit guilty

I remember the air crackle with expectation
as the sun shone in buckets & spades
we all drank bottomless cold lager
and discussed poor Kylie’s cancer
in the shade of a backstage green-room
from dawn until dusk and then way past noon
until the day-glo sheep were safely home

And I don’t remember why, but the rains came the following year
and with them came the profits of doom
there was money to be stolen and the Sky was the limit
executives in Barbour twittering endlessly
their subjects feral punters
trying to escape the deluge,
the fug of burning plastic and the enmity

A dystopian nightmare played out
against a boundless and pregnant
East Anglian sunset
angry mud and fatigue won over
but not a toilet to be seen with
amidst the relentless overwhelming stench
of shite and doughnuts.

And The Levellers.

Can you remember your first time?
I'm glad I can’t forget.

Thursday 12 July 2012

SMELLS LIKE SPLEEN FAGGOTS


Although afflicted & cursed with many an ailment, my biggest personal health problem is my sense of smell.
Unlike a colleague who, along with the liberal lefty whinger Lucy Mangan, has anosmia (no sense of smell whatsoever), I have the complete opposite.
I can smell a cigarette from over 100 yards on a still day, and I know when a nappy needs changing way before the mother & child do.
I empty my kitchen waste on a daily basis, and wash out my wheelie bin fortnightly.
I can smell anything that has been rightly or wrongly flushed away, or washed down a sink.
And in springtime I can smell bluebells before they are in bloom.

Although some would think this a minor super-power, I consider it an affliction.

As a writer of many poems in my past, it's easy to see which of my senses made the most impression on my work.
One of the principle reasons for no longer attending pop festivals was the 'overwhelming stench of shite & doughnuts'.
I would refer to my domestic situations (and past girlfriends) in terms of aromas and whiffs, and the analogous use of bleach in my later work said more about my addictions than any reference to illegal drugs.

So it is today, with great pride, that I present to you my Top 10 Most Offensive Smells.

I have been harbouring a lot of this information for several months, but deep inside I knew there was at least one smell missing.
Because of its lack of appearance in my life for many a day now, I had forgotten how utterly repulsive this odour was.
It is so vile and obnoxious, that I have deliberately encountered loss and pain as a consequence of its recent renaissance.

For those of you reading this that do not currently reside in the UK (Hi Russia! Hi Taiwan!) we have recently  had the wettest summer on record.
We have had flooding on a major scale, and very little sunshine.
The temperatures however have remained pretty constant.
As it is technically warm, nearly every great British citizen has turned off the central heating.
We should be drying our laundry on clotheslines, balconies or Hills Hoists (Hi Australia!), but due to the persistent rain, we are merely marinating our clean garments on cold metal radiators or clothes-horses.
And whilst taking the time to ensure my washing is clean & conditioned, and my washing-machine is fully functioning (totally clean fluff filter/no black mould/vinegar & baking soda applied), after 24hrs of sitting in its own cold, wet lethargy, my laundry has 'that smell'.
I have washed & re-washed several tea towels, only to throw them out yesterday.
I refuse to dry my dishes in a rag that smells like a 1st Year university student without an umbrella.
I grab every opportunity to peg out my bundles, but the rain just keeps coming, and that adds to the problem with its own particular odour.
I'm even considering buying Febreeze - this was never an option in my household before!

And as a consequence, this is my Number 1 Most Offensive Smell.

YANNY MAC'S TOP 10 MOST OFFENSIVE SMELLS

1. (See above)
2. Muck-spreading with human waste
3. Cider, weed & doughnut fuelled human waste, left to simmer for 5 days.
4. Mutton.
5. Money.
6. Rape Seed.
7. Sugar beet extraction.
8. Brothers Bar Flavoured Cider.
9. Any cigarettes smoked before 6pm.
10. Single mens' trainers/socks.

Sunday 13 May 2012

TOP NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDING (w/e 13-05-12)



As the season draws to a close, and the finances for this particular project dry up and disappear completely, this week we continue with the singular ad hoarding theme.

(Apologies to those of you expecting three hoardings)



BOGANS CARPETS: CARPET SUPERSTORES  -  Tranmere Rovers

Saturday 12 May 2012

BBW? ONLY B&Q CAN SORT IT OUT.


As with last season, we arrive at the business end of the Premiership, on the last day, with only part-resolution, and with a fitting climax to come.

It's BBW at the moment, but cum-5pm tomorrow and it could be QBW, with QPR probably facing the hardest of the two asks.
Blackburn & Wolves are already finished.
But Bolton may live to fight another day.

Good luck to those involved.
Someone has to go down.
May the best team win........

Wednesday 2 May 2012

THE ONLY NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDING (w/e 30-04-12)

Due to necessary government cut-backs, and inevitable loss of advertising revenue to the companies involved, we have been forced to cut Top Three Non-Premiership Advertising Hoardings to just ONE submission until further notice. Sincere apologies from TONPAH. DAVE RIDGE & SONS: PEBBLE DASHING - Crystal Palace

Monday 16 April 2012

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 15-04-12)




Dedicating this week's TTNPAH to the building trade, in particular Gary Finney, for the tireless work he has done on the Recreation Ground.

MASONS SCAFFOLDING: SCAFFOLDING - Millwall.

DAWS HEATH TIMBER: TIMBER - Southend Utd.

GARY FINNEY: GENERAL BUILDER - Aldershot Town.

Thursday 5 April 2012

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 01-04-12)

We've taken a lot of criticism recently, from certain sections of the media, and in particular from one or two fanzines, about the 'whimsical' nature of this blog.
In order to pacify our critics, we are concentrating completely on Big Boys industries this week.
(Apologies to any regular subscribers if offended)






MORCLAD ROOFING Ltd:INDUSTRIAL SHEETING/CLADDING CONTRACTORS - Bristol City

HENRY BOOT Plc:PROPERTY & CONSTRUCTION DEVELOPMENT - Sheffield Wednesday

OMEGA FOUNDRY MACHINERY Ltd:SERVING THE EQUIPMENT NEEDS OF THE NO-BAKE FOUNDRY INDUSTRY - Peterborough United

Friday 23 March 2012

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 18-03-12)




SOUTH NORWOOD GLAZING: GLAZIERS - Crystal Palace

SUSSEX ASPHALTE: ROOFING - Brighton & Hove Albion

CURRY DEN- FREE HOME DELIVERY- 020 7231 0141: INDIAN TAKEAWAY: - Millwall

Thursday 22 March 2012

IS ZAYN MALIK THE NEW ASSANGE?




Has anyone else noticed that Zayn Malik (One Direction) and Art Malik (Upstairs Downstairs/Holby City) have never been seen on stage, or in a movie, together at the same time?
Although I can't suggest they are one & the same person (there is a slight age difference) is it possible that they are closely related, and have been part of a long-standing family feud?
The fact they have the same surname would seem to support this.

The important question is; can we really trust Zayn Malik?

I'll leave that one up to you.

Saturday 3 March 2012

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 04-03-12)

MARKET CARPETS: CARPETS - Exeter City

STEVENAGE GLASS: GLASS - Stevenage Borough

THOMAS GRAHAM & SONS LTD: STEEL STOCKHOLDERS & INDUSTRIAL SUPPLIES -

Carlisle United

BRING BACK MARY WHITEHOUSE (Alys Fowler - Again!)

I am more than happy that provenance of food, and 'growing-your-own' has become another consumer-friendly pursuit of the middle classes as of late, but I am beginning to realise that other, less scrupulous horticulturalists are embracing these new technologies for illegal purposes; namely, the production of illegal Class A & B drugs.

I have mentioned in my other blog "Yanny Mac - Dwile Flonker" how easy it is to inadvertently procure illegal substances, particularly if one 'hangs out' with the right people
(see Allotment Alan's adventures at http://yannymac-dwileflonker.blogspot.com/2012/02/we-are-nothing-without-our-banks.html ).
I have also railed against the use of suggestive, highly-sexualised and profane language by the economy fish-finger, ex TV presenter, and now wannabe-journalist, Alys Fowler.

But this week she has gone too far.
In the Guardian Weekend supplement, of all places.

It would appear that her father introduced her to smack at an early age.
He told her how to access opium from poppies, and then regaled her with stories about 'chasing the dragon'.
Fowler herself goes on to describe how she 'is addicted to opium'.
And how it has become an obsession, and how she often tries to grow {poppies out of a} crack.

It's this sort of mindless, flippant, provocative writing that encourages our children to listen to the Devil's music, and subsequently sniff hair gel; ultimately leading to a life on benefit culture, addicted to soap, fast food takeaways and mind bending substance abusiveness.

I say it's time to regulate the musings of the liberal left media.

I say "Bring back Mary Whitehouse".

Wednesday 22 February 2012

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (Midweek Special)

As I have been consigned to my bed with proper woman-flu this week, I thought I'd take the time to offer you a special midweek treat.
Enjoy!



SHEFFIELD UNITED CRICKET CLUB: CRICKET CLUB - Sheffield United

STEVENAGE GLASS: GLASS - Stevenage Borough

DAVIES ANGLING: No.1 FOR CLOTHING - Brentford United

Sunday 19 February 2012

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 19-02-12)



RIVIERA RENTALS: MINIBUS HIRE - Torquay United

J.MART WAREHOUSE: HARDWARE STORE - Hereford United

FOLLET STOCK: SOLICITORS - Exeter City

Tuesday 14 February 2012

A NAKED LUCY WORSLEY



No greeting cards or service-station flowers
No candlelight or making love for hours
No forced gestures or pink confectionery
Just some tissues, closed curtains
And a naked Lucy Worsley.


Sunday 12 February 2012

YANNY MAC'S TEN-MINUTE SUPPERS (Feb)




(An example of an expensive 'pre-cooked' & 'pre-frozen' ready-meal from a supermarket chain)



Apologies for the slight gap in posting.
I've spent most of the last year rallying against global capitalism (fail!), the DWP (fail!), Wetherspoons (fail!) and Julian Assange (partial success), so the Ten Minute Suppers took slightly more than a back-seat;
in fact I wrapped them up in an old carpet and stuck them in a trailer that I very rarely used (metaphor).


I thought for this February's Ten Minute Suppers we could have a go at making both lasagne and spaghetti bolognese, and freezing a batch so that we had a tasty, nutritious and fundamentally cheap ready meal, as & when required.


SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE

1) Brown some mince & onion.

I use beef mince, but any animal will do. The original Italian recipe uses 'osso bucco' which is literally chopped veal, or a little baby cow. I like my flesh from a grown-up beast, unless it's offal and then I want the youngest lambs available.

2) Add a tin of tomatoes.

 Some people use fresh tomatoes, passata or puree', but they're mostly posh people, and this isn't aimed at them.

3) Boil some spaghetti.

Be careful with this!
Quick Cook spaghetti takes 10minutes and costs a lot. Normal spaghetti takes 10minutes and costs a lot less.

4) Season to taste.

This is not essential, but it adds what chefs call 'flavour'.
Sugar takes the tart out of tomatoes.
Salt takes the earthiness out of the meat.
Garlic takes the saltiness out of the combined ingredients
and black pepper & mixed herbs just take the piss.

(I often sprinkle a little cheese on mine, but we will cover this next year)

Et buongiorno!
Spaghetti a la bolognese dans dix minuetos!





For LASAGNE

Do exactly the same but use the big, square-shaped pasta, not the long thin one.






Ingredients:
pasta
meat
tomatoes
boiling water





                                                 *******************

(February 2012)



Having been inundated with requests for some more recipes, I've decided to publish monthly from now on.
I hope you can all wait a few weeks for each one?

In answer to the letter from Jayne of Ashby-de-la-Zouch; YES! Of course you can use duck eggs in Fried Egg Sarnie (Dec 31), only make sure the bread is wide enough to cope with the egg's size. Duck eggs in the UK are traditionally larger than a basic hen's egg, regardless of whether it's 'free range'.
And to Simon of Gomshall in Surrey; I've yet to come across a cockerel's egg, and would advise caution in this purchase.

Continuing with the sandwich-theme, this month we are going to make Hot Pot-Noodle(tm.)sarnies.
Please be aware that this recipe contains very hot water.

HOT POT NOODLE SARNIE

You will need thick-sliced bread for this rare delicacy.
Any sliced bread will do, but try and buy fresh if possible.

Butter the bread.
It doesn't have to be real butter, but something that trys to emulate the taste of butter (Country Life spread, Utterly Butterly, I Can't Believe.....)is preferable to say, mayonnaisse or jam.
Boil a kettle with water, and follow the instructions on the side of the Pot Noodle(tm.)cup.
It's not too important what flavour you use.
I tend to use spicy curry, but have found chicken & mushroom just as versatile in the past.
NEVER use sweet & sour!
It's really not worth it.

When the noodles are ready (and not before!) carefully spoon them onto one side of the buttered bread.
Now fold it over, being even more careful not to lose any noodles.
I find using a plate helps with any rogue drips.

Et voila!

A nourishing & warming meal for all the family, ready in less than ten minutes!


Ingredients:
Pot Noodle(tm.)
Sliced bread
Butter (or similar)
Boiling water

(Serves approx. 4)

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 12-02-12)



CHESTNUT TREES: PRUNING, SHAPING & STUMP REMOVAL - Exeter City


LSR STORAGE: DOCUMENT ARCHIVING SPECIALISTS - Stevenage Borough


EDEN PARK SELF-DRIVE HIRE: 17 SEATER MINIBUSES - Hartlepool United

Sunday 5 February 2012

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 05-02-12



Lascelles Opticians: Great eyecare is our goal! - Plymouth Argyle

Great Victoria: Best bedrooms in Bradford! - Bradford City

Gordons: Lawyers on your side! - Bradford City

Saturday 4 February 2012

DEAR CLARE BALDING.......



Dear Clare Balding,

I'm sorry I stopped following you on Twitter last year.
I was reckless & stupid.

I'm also sorry I stopped following Emma Freud and Elly Olroyd.

I now understand how Twitter works, and I realise that you are an important part of the whole experience.
I felt I could cope without you, as long as we had our Ramblings on Radio4 and the odd horse-meet.
You even said 'hi' to me when Luke Wright (the poet, not the cricketer) was with you on Saturday Live.
Our relationship felt consummate.

It was when I topped 200 'Followings' on Twitter that I realised I had gone too far.

I should've unfollowed Frankie Coccoza and The Real Gok Wan, but instead I rejected you, and for this I will be eternally sorry.

I hope you will accept my apology and we can tweep-it-up together again soon.

I have a horse called Albie.
He is very young, and we backed him ourselves.

Love Yanny.x

BRING BACK MARY WHITEHOUSE (Alys Fowler)



The little economy fish-finger is up to her old tricks again.

I've written about the green-digit goblin in the past.
She has form when it comes to the sexualisation of our multi media world.
I don't mind Carol Klein or Monty Don getting a little jiggy in the strawberry patch, IF (and only IF) it serves a purpose, and does not refer to genitalia or readers' wives.

But Fowler has gone too far this weekend.
Yet again.

She starts her Guardian Weekend supplement piece by informing us that she pops off to the shed to look at her secret stash of 'Garden Porn'.
Apparently she gets off at looking at pics of bushes in full bloom.
Now, I'm all for a hirsute leylandi, but I don't think this warrants being referred to as 'porn'.
Editorial work immediately goes online these days, so imagine the horror of a part-time gardener entering (and I use that word carefully) search terms into his or her Google, and coming up with an article about pornography.

Amateur + Gardener + Tool + Muck + Redhead + Snow + Muff = moral minefield.

Fowler goes on to say she wishes she didn't have to resort to 'Garden Porn' because she prefers the real thing.
I would go on to say that the 'real thing' is probably indoors, in the warm, waiting for her to stop going blind in the potting-shed.

I would further go on to say "Bring Back Mary Whitehouse".
I've had just about enough of this commodification of Mother Nature, and her feminine wiles.

Thursday 26 January 2012

MENSWEAR La La La.




It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Menswear anymore.
Everyone loved Menswear in 1995.
If you Google 'Menswear' now, the band isn't even mentioned until the 25th entry.

I was into Gene and Marion in 1995.
I had Menswear's album, but I preferred the Morrissey-like dulcet tones of Martin Rossiter, and the Johnny Marr-infused rock of Macclesfield's finest.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Marion or Gene anymore.

My girlfriend at the time was into Candyskins.
The two Cope lads' dad was Kenneth Cope from 'Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased)', 'Corrie', 'Brookside' and both 'Carry On Matron' & 'Carry On At Your Convenience'.
I went to see Candyskins at The Water Rats in London, and stood next to the bloke from The Fast Show.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Candyskins anymore.

Menswear went on to have 5 hit singles including 'Sleeping In', 'Daydreamer' and 'Being Brave'.
Their single 'Stardust' appeared on 'Shine 3', a various artists' showcase of Britpop talent, featuring singles by Marion, Gene, Cast and Echobelly.
The Boo Radleys were also on 'Shine 3'.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Cast or Echobelly anymore.

Candyskins didn't feature until 'Shine 8', the fourth of the double Shine albums, that included Bennet, Whitetown, Monaco and Sleeper.
Whitetown was from Norwich.
I met him a few times.
I also met Louise Wener from Sleeper at the first ever Port Eliot Festival.
She writes books now.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Bennet, Whitetown, Monaco or Sleeper anymore.

After 'Shine 10' there was a Best of Shine album released in 1996.
It pretty much featured everyone mentioned above, except Marion, Gene, Candyskins, Sleeper, Echobelly and rather surprisingly Menswear.
Luckily new bands like Seahorses, Embrace, Mansun & Republica had come along to replace the ageing Britpop originals.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Seahorses, Mansun or Republica anymore.

Wednesday 18 January 2012

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 17-01-12)



MID-SUSSEX FORKLIFT SERVICES: FORKLIFT SERVICES - Crawley Town.

HEATING CONTROLS: HEATING CONTROLS, BURNERS & COMBUSTION EQUIPMENT (OFFICIAL UK SUPPLIERS OF MADAS PRODUCTS) - Bury.

CLAYTON PARK PIES: PIES - Preston North End.

WINTER'S NAKED CHERRY TREES



We passed by the mill for a while
the cherry trees stripped bare
nude, but for Winter's leather & lace.
The wife in heelies, draped like glory in nylon
a mistress to nature, like a fetish embrace.
Me in plump normal shoes (without holes)
a completely free rambler
with nothing strapped on
to inhibit my pace.


(I'll write almost anything if it gets my blogger stats up)

Monday 9 January 2012

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 09-01-12)

At last count, I had only three people admit that they read this blog.
I have no idea whether they still do, but would like to dedicate this TTNPAH to one of them;
my friend John Osborne.

John is a published author (Radio Head, The Newsagent's Window) and published poet (What If Men Burst In Wearing Balaclavas, The New Blur Album), and an avid Carlisle United fan.
I haven't heard much from 'Jozzers' recently as he has been very busy.
When he's not entertaining Radio1 DJs with his fantastic Radio4 show "John Peel's Shed", he's off doing gigs with Arthur Smith, Emmy the Great and Tim Key.
I miss him greatly, but cracked a huge smile when I heard that Carlisle had won 4-1 against Leyton Orient at the weekend.

This is for him.

CARLISLE REFRIGERATION:REFRIGERATION & GAS ENGINEERS - Carlisle Utd.

REAYS TRAVEL: OFFICIAL TEAM COACH PROVIDER - Carlisle Utd.

PAUL FERGUSON & family: SUPPORTING - Carlisle Utd.

Friday 6 January 2012

THE RETURN OF THE TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 02-01-12)






It is with great sadness that I have to inform you that TTNPAH may not be able to continue after this season. Word from Twitter is that Manish, Steve, Elly and Leroy may be taken off air in May, and therefore the whole concept of the independent or smaller operation getting free advertising on the BBC, will be null & void.
Global banks, soft drinks manufacturers, leisure wear retailers and online betting operations will continue to receive advertising support from the licence fee-payer via Match Of The Day, but it may be the last we see of David Fishwick - Mini Bus Sales for a while.

Sad times..........


LEENGATE VALVES: valves - Sheffield United

WHITBY MORRISON: ice cream vans - Crewe Alexandra

R&H ELECTRICAL: electrics - Swindon Town